Monday, November 24, 2014
Embracing death.
Sup guys.
It's been quite a while. A very very very very long while in fact. But I'm back here cos I need to rant, and I have no one else or nothing else better to release it onto other then here. So, here I go.
This few days I really feel like dying. This post is not really negative, it's just factual. A lot is gonna be what I really feel right now, and whether you wanna judge me or not, I don't really care. I just really need a place of release. And if you understand how I feel, thank you though I dunno why I would thank you in the first place.
Anyways. Many things have been going thru my mind. And by many I mean a lot. Like fuck load. Shit ton. I don't know how else to express it. I'm having doubts about everything, and uncertainty is a bitch. I really really did wish I have the answer to everything so I can live life easily or maybe even, easier than what I'm going thru right now. It's painful as fuck, and frustrating as hell.
Right now, I'm studying. And my main goal, is to concentrate to be a student. Right? No, not right now for me. My mind is giving me a shit ton more to worry about. There are things like, would I survive out there in future doing what I do now? If I don't what do I do? Would I be able to do other things and still enjoy it? Many many unanswered questions. And because I always, ALWAYS, see both side to anything, it's even harder to answer my own question as I can always contradict myself with a reason. It's fucking frustrating, and I mean it.
Yes, being intuitive is good. But, I think I accept many things as it is. I'm open-minded, in other words. And that, is good and bad for me. More bad actually, in the society we live in. Harder to find someone with the same mindset, which means more people actually wanna shun away from you. That for one is the biggest negativity of all. In the world, there's a certain limit to doing things by yourself, and I feel I already am gonna reach that limit. But. BUT. I can't find someone who I can totally commit to, and by totally I mean literally everything trusted onto that person. It's hard, when you're me right now. I really really am mad and angry, about why I'm being brought up this way. Can't I be brought up as an obedient fucker who will never question things and just do as I'm told? Wouldn't life be easier?
Many many questions. There's so many worry right now, I feel as though I'm not gonna survive. "Since I'm not gonna survive at the end, might as well die now?', is the thought that's in my mind. I'm embracing death more and more each time, and even though it still seems scary, I'm still thinking about death.
I guess I'm not made for this world. Why, oh why am I placed here. Don't tell me God has a reason. Where's God, and why would he make so much possibility, which one of them would lead to this? I'm totally questioning everything, and I need an answer. I'm totally worn out. Gone. Tired. I wanna give up. Someone help me, or kill me.
Knowing a lot is not that good after all.
Masquerade-ing.