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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Insecurity at it's best, again.

Hey guys.

Yeapp, I'm back after a while. Just wanted to get things off my chest.

Y'know, life in school is definitely getting better. I kinda like it more, but hell. I feel super out of place without a confidant, someone whom I can specifically turn to whenever I want to. It's like, I'm feeling I'm fighting this war alone.

Generally, I think guys should receive more emotional attention den girls, cos we have a problem releasing our stress and shit. I mean, imagine this. Who in their right mind, I mean males, would go up to another guy and tell them, "Bro, I'm damn insecure now la." I mean, wts. It's gay, and we, I mean the receiving end, probably wouldn't even care. That's the bad part.

Knowing that now makes me feel more helpless, cos I realised I have no one to share it to except for myself, and it sucks, cos I'm not that kind of person who keeps in often. WHERE on earth can I find someone who is trustworthy and willing to put up with me, and the next big question, WHEN?

This feeling suck big time. Torturing as hell. I mean, friends help during that point in time, when we're having our classes and stuff. But after school, or when I'm alone, shit, this just hits me hard.

Guess I'm just gonna stop here. I can go on forever but I probably shouldn't. So yeah.

Really need someone to clean the mess I have inside of me.


Masquerade-ing.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Let's try change.. for a change.

Hey guys.

Okay, no more ranting like an idiot. LOL, I know I sound stupid and selfish when I rant, sorry. I'll try not to next time, and that's if I can help it. :p

Anyways, just gonna say what's on my mind, making it short.

I think I'll just be a bit more happy-go-lucky, more carefree. I think it helps with the control of my emotions. I'm gonna try not to take anything seriously anymore. I mean, almost anything. I guess that's how I became that mentally and emotionally stable last time, so I think I'm going to try that.

I really miss how I am last time. You know, I can think clearly, react clearly, and respond clearly. Omg, now I'm just one complete mess, wth is wrong with me.

WTH AM I TALKING ABOUT ACTUALLY? LOL, okay. I think that's all, apart from all those stuff I'm not willing to share here. Nvm me, just being an ass. Life's killing me, but it hasn't killed me. So yeah. (randomness again.)

Messed up inside, but totally not willing to show.


Masquerade-ing.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Screw it, I'm distracted.

Hey guys.

Dead, I'm totally lifeless now. I'm not sure what's wrong with my body, but whenever I'm tired, I think the most. Which is right now.

I think I am distancing myself away from others right now. Not sure why, but maybe because I feel inferior to them, or I just dun wanna annoy their private life. This shit is just freaking torturing la. It's only the 1st week and I'm alr having problems. FML.

First, I want friends, you know. Like, someone I can really interact and relate to. Someone of the opposite gender would be good actually, based on experience. But wtf, how do I find someone like this now? It's poly, and I have to do all the self-intro shit all over again, yeah. I know I rant on this before. But seriously, I'm uber lazy and tired. The timetable is torturing enough and now I still have to spend time interacting just to know ppl better. #sianttm

And, I'm not sure why. After the holidays, after all the isolation, I lost all my sense of humour. I become a really boring person, and maybe that's 1 reason why ppl dun approach me. Another reason would be obviously, LOOKS. #screwthat. That's what I hate about poly sometimes. No looks, no friends. It's not totally dun have la, but it's damn hard to find one.

My coursemates all have close friends or maybe their bf/gf to turn to after school. But wts, I dun even know where to go. That's when I feel like a total loser in life. No direction. If my friends are gone, means my fun ends too. THAT TOTALLY SUCKS.

Omg, I'm so tired and frustrated right now. I feel like just quitting life, I'm sick of all those shit. Why did God put me in this situation? I'm throwing the towel.

I feel like an crushed empty shell, TOTALLY BROKEN.


Masquerade-ing.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Sometimes, we should let go. But should I?

Hey guys.

Yeah, I'm a little better today. School life's getting better, no doubt. But well, I hope this will last. :p

So, yeah. Apart from school, a bit bout personal life. I'm.. feeling kinda weird. You know, I really dunno what's wrong with me these few days, is mind my worn out or what. I keep having weird thoughts. What's it about, I'm not gonna elaborate, but yeah. I really dunno.

Omg, I feel so uncomfortable after writing that para. WTS, I can't even say what I wanna say, cos it's public. Screwit.

Anyways. I really hope I do well in this course. Wanna know more seniors, get comfortable in school, click with my friends, etc.

Y'know, sometimes I really dun mind to be alone. Really, like actually most of the time. Maybe it's because of past trauma or something, but it's true. BUT, when I dun like to be alone, that's when I start to get shitty with my personality. I'm not myself, etc. HATE IT.

I guess, all I wanna say at the end of the day, is still what I've repeated over dunno how many times. Having someone who understands me and hear my problems out willingly. In short, maybe called a close friend. Yeah, I guess that's it.

Life's so.. I just can't judge. I SUCK.

Random rantings again. But deep down, I wish I could really pour out to someone trustworthy.


Masquerade-ing.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Officially.. Worn out.

Hey guys.

It's gonna be a short post. I'm completely worn out and it's the 3rd day only. I'm sucha weakling.

Anyways, today was awesome, ended class early, lecturers were cool ppl honestly. HAHA. Had DMAT show just now, it was.. MINDBLOWING. My seniors are talented freaks uh, and I'm still blown away by Max. His vocals, wow. I dunno why, but I tend to focus more on the vocals. LOL.

Music is damn fun but tiring uh, now that I've realised. My seniors offered superb advices. This was supposed to go on ytd's post, but whatever. Josh offered some superb logical advice that can literally knock some sense into you. He's said a lot, and I really can't put it all down, it's really valuable. But I'm grateful to have met him.

My seniors are awesome ppl man, I didn't regret.

Now, yeah. It's back to life.

Life kinda improved la. I'm getting closer to my coursemates, etc. Kinda like the environment in school alr. But well, y'know, something feels damn empty somewhere. I dunno why, but yeah. Hallucination. NVM.

There are some things that I wouldn't share on my blog or twitter, just cos it's too public. I'll get judged for what I say luh, so yeah. No matter how much I rant, it'll nv be enough. I just hope I really have someone to talk to. It's either I'm so afraid to annoy them, or I.. I dunno. :(

Yeah, I think I stop here for today.

Those inexpressible thoughts, torturing.


Masquerade-ing.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

What is life, actually?

Back from another day at school. It's another tiring day, all because of my competitor, THE SUN. Haha.

It's only day 2 of the real poly life and I feel as though I'm gonna die, totally drained. Omg, I really dunno what I will become one week latr. LOL.

Anyways. Another rant post, pardon me.

Yes, it's another of those, omg, I didn't have a good day post. I just can't help it. In poly, I start the course afresh, not knowing a single one of my coursemates. Needa do the self-introduction shit all over, and finding out who has same interest, who we should really latch on, who we should mix less with, etc. All these takes lots of time, energy and commitment to do it, and although I really like to socialise, sometimes I really am tired and worn out to start over again. THEN, all this will lead to me working badly, cos I can't work when I'm uncomfortable and alone. Which will THEN lead to being emo, and it goes on and on and on..

Yeah, that's the sad part of life. All of us wanna start off well, but sadly, that is not the case for most of us. We needa get out and do some shit and earn it.

But today wasn't really bad though, considering what we did after school. Met some really good seniors, in terms of talents, attitude, etc. They are REALLY AWESOME overall. I got cool buddies like Jeff, Khai, Thurston and the others. Today's not so bad.

Finally did a proper duet, apart from "lucky", with Kaela that crazy girl. I still dunno how we got so comfortable la. I only knew her for like, 1 week or so? :p

Anyways, woo. Long post. But I just really wanna say, I hope things get better. I hope I will find someone who I could really turn to anytime, anywhere, anyhow. Just someone with common interest, someone who cares for me and all. Yeah.

As always, I might rant more if need be. HAHA, I'm such a silly boy.

Just blabbering rubbish all over the post today, omg. But I really can't wait for time to past till the point when I'm super comfortable in school alr, if it's even possible.


Masquerade-ing.

Monday, April 15, 2013

New life..?

Hey guys.

Yeah, it's been daaaaaammmmnn long since I blogged. But whatever, Imma gangster, I do what I want. HAHA.

Anyways, poly's started. It's a bunch of uber lots of feelings mixed tgt. One moment I'm like, "Omg, I finally got something to do", and the other part is like, "Haiix, it's school again. I dun even know if I'll enjoy".

Yeah, it's torturing. Of course, friends make it bearable. But it's just that my friends have other close friends too, so I'm more or less stuck in the middle. #lonermal

HAHA. Yes, sian as it may be, I've covered up all my emotions. It's years of "acting" that helped. :p. I just really hope I will have someone I could really hang out with, y'know, like for anything, lepak to doing shit tgt or something. So far, I think it's gonna be hard. :/

Haiix. Yes, poly life's easier, but there's a different type of complication to handle. I really hate change sometimes. Time to smile and make new friends, etc. Sick of that shit. But so far, I've a group of friends who're super cool, and that one girl who I dunno how I got so close to. (maybe? :p) LOL. They've helped me a lot in class, but other than that, I'm alone all over again.

So yeah, ranting all those shit. Might have more to rant next time, who knows. HAHA. 

But for now, see ya guys again. :)

I really hope things will turn out better, seriously.


Masquerade-ing.